And so to the Bazball endgame, which as many predicted from the start, has been equal parts tragedy and comedy. England were going to save Test cricket but in the end needed saving from themselves, with Ben Stokes rage-baited into going out on his shield - a Viking chieftain carried off by his dutiful PR underlings - and Brendon McCullum finally having his red-ball pass revoked by the ECB before he did any more damage.
What we hadn't realised was the extent to which the fates of Stokes and McCullum were entwined, like those "star-cross'd lovers" that old Bill Shakespeare wrote about. As McCullum put himself at his, er, post-sacking press rounds: "In a romantic kind of way, there's something about Stokesy and I going out together. We started it together and we go out together."
Which sort of makes us think that Stokes, like Juliet with her sleeping potion, was only pretending to have packed it in - only for the ECB to then bump off Romeo/McCullum in a fit of administrative passion, thus ruining the plan for the two of them to run off together with the Ashes next summer. Probably another one to pin on Rob Key's door.
In some ways, of course, the whole caper is more akin to Thelma & Louise, with Baz and Stokesy flooring the accelerator as they go over the cliff edge hand in hand (although that arguably counts as running away from the danger, rather than towards it). And while Stokes had stashed a parachute under the front seat, in case he changed his mind - we refer you back to the 2027 Ashes - McCullum is going to have to pick his way out of the wreckage and play happy families with the white-ball teams.
What was that great McCullum-ism? "Plan like you'll live forever, live like you'll die tomorrow." Or in this case: plan like you've got a World Cup campaign in 15 months' time, live like you're dead inside already.
However you get your lolz - and there's plenty to go around, from Stokes immolating himself and his team at Trent Bridge, to the ECB chief executive insisting Key has a "really good brain" - the most satisfying thing is that, given most of the protagonists are lingering in the wings, there's bound to be a sequel or two. Time for some more of Baz's famous print-it-on-a-tea-towel wisdom: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And given the nature of English cricket, is likely to happen again.
****
India picked teen sensation Vaibhav Sooryavanshi for his first senior tour, but they were very clear about how they were going to handle him. The reigning two-time T20 world champs weren't just going to chuck a 15-year-old in at the expense of settled picks. No sir. Sooryavanshi will have to "bide his time and wait", just like any other player. Yep, we're not just gonna tinker for the sake of… Oh, heck, we've waited three games, let's just unwrap the new toy and get started! And then, when he doesn't immediately transfer his Playstation batting from IPL "easy" mode (hey, Jofra said it, not us!) you punt him out of the side again after three outings. Welcome to the international merry-go-round, Vaibhav. Just shut your eyes and keep swinging.
****
It's been a busy couple of weeks for the camera operators charged with monitoring the Lord's dressing-room balconies. First, we had Sophie Molineux's stump-swinging, beer-guzzling, Warnie tribute act after the T20 World Cup final - the sort of loveable larrikin behaviour everyone can get behind. That was followed by animated celebrations of a different kind, as Issy Wong whooped up completing a Rubik's cube while her team were heading for defeat in the women's Test against India. Some commentators took umbrage at this, demanding that Wong be publicly flogged for not looking appropriately mournful about England's underperformance on such an historic occasion. But the Light Roller knows Wong is a smart cookie. And while the news of McCullum's sacking earlier on Sunday threatened to take the spotlight away from the women, Wong was clearly taking the hit with a confected controversy to help win back some of those precious column inches. And that's how cricket does equality in the 21st century.
