The FIFA World Cup 2026 -- or simply "FIFA", as those who spent the past month watching Vaibhav Sooryavanshi making grown adults reconsider their choice of sport call it -- is at our doorstep.
And it's never been as big as this before: 48 teams, 104 matches, spread across three countries and 16 cities, with some major overtime for the TSA thrown in. But you know most of this, you know the teams, the players, the plots, and the intrigue. What you desperately need now is just one neat, cohesive piece that brings it all together.
So, welcome to our totally necessary and extremely serious preview that answers all the questions you never knew you needed answers to:
How can I pretend to sound like I watch football every day instead of every four years?
Throw in phrases like 'inverted fullbacks', 'interior half-spaces' ,and acronyms like xG and xGOT into whatever you say and just go wherever the flow takes you.
For example, instead of 'Wow, what a bad miss from Ronaldo!', say 'Wow, Joao Cancelo's role as an inverted fullback really helped Portugal exploit the interior half-space and set Ronaldo up with a high xG chance, but it ended up with poor xGoT value due to his bad xT decision.'
Does that sound like English? No. Is that a good thing in this case? Absolutely.
If we can borrow one quote from a coach at this World Cup, what can it be?
Journalist: "If you had known that Neymar's injury was grade 2, would you have called him up"
Carlo Ancelotti, eyebrow hitting unprecedented heights: "If my grandfather had wheels, he would be a car."
P.S. Do famous Italians just know that they have to crack this exact same joke the moment they feel incredulous?
What will be the biggest cultural shock for first timers in the US?
Food portions (you ain't seen 'large' yet, trust us). Distances (the vastness of the States is quite something else). Halftime shows (which often attract as much, if not more, attention over there than the match itself)
Which team is most likely to implode?
We wrote this the last time, and with a tweak in the content below this, we're ready to go again: France. Always.
2002. 2010. 2026?
There is an entire library of Kylian Mbappé memes waiting to flood social media the moment anyone hears of any rifts within the French camp -- like when N'Golo Kante and Mbappe didn't shake hands pre-match at a friendly a few days ago.
The drama, the potential for chaos, Aurelian Tchoumeni's new boxing lessons, and the fact that while Didier Deschamps has reached two finals (and won one) as head coach, he's never done it without the selfless gluing together of the team that Antoine Griezmann did... now, where is that behind-the-scenes documentary?
Which team is most likely to make this preview look really stupid?
France. Always.
1998. 2018. 2026?
Sure, there's no Griezmann... but HAVE YOU SEEN THAT FORWARD LINE?
What's the worst stereotype you'll hear at the World Cup?
There'll be loads, because there are always loads... but "Ghana are a fast, direct, attacking team that will aim to entertain" will take the cake, because those saying that either haven't registered the fact that Ghana appointed Carlos Queiroz their head coach, or just haven't seen Mister Queiroz's teams in "action".
Which players are most likely to make you go: 'wait, he's still playing?'
If Ecuador and Mexico ever play each other this Cup (no idea if they might, and no we are not doing those calculations here), do not pinch yourself when you see Enner Valencia (36) line up for a penalty against Guillermo Ochoa (40).
No, you've not time travelled, it's still 2026... It's just that FIFA statue a101.8b states that no World Cup can be held without these two around.
Which youngster will take the World Cup by storm and announce themselves?
Watch out for these two young kids from Argentina and Portugal. Hear Lionel Messi, 39 years young, has a decent left foot. And a Cristiano Ronaldo, just 41, seems to give off an obsession with goals.
And they could actually play against each other here.
Which underdog must we back this tournament?
The expansion of the World Cup means there are some truly lovely stories to choose from: Across Iraq, Curacao, Cape Verde and Haiti (to name but four), there are stories of upliftment, struggle, positivity everywhere you look.
But come on, can we really back anyone but the dogged optimism, the stubborn fighting spirit, the backs-to-the-walls heroism of... England?
We still believe, we still believe
We still believe, we still believe
It's coming home, it's coming home
It's coming, Football's coming home
Which team that you have forgotten about (or written off) will probably do quite well?
Once again, a repeat answer... Germany. "Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win."
Which pundit is most likely to sympathise with players tiring in the heat?
A very red-faced (due to temperature and annoyance, equally) Roy Keane.
And... the number of times you'll hear "when will India ever qualify for a World Cup?"
Only slightly fewer times than there will be (are) potholes on Indian roads this monsoon. And it's equally as painful.
All the LOLs aside, this isn't just about football, is it? It never is, however, much anyone tries to tell you.
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